Das Rant
By C.G.

Fan Mail Is Good

I have to confess, sometimes sitting down to come up with clever complaints to fuel my monthly article can be a little bit of a pain in the ass in its own right. Discouraged as it were, you could imagine my delight when Jay forwarded me the following correspondence:

Dear CG:
I’ll be up front with you. I’ve never been big on reading about the trials and tribulations of others, instead preferring to experience the action myself. Even still I stumbled upon your rhetoric while googling Whiteface Mountain as a competitor in this year’s festivities seeking race results. At first I was put off by your blunt dialect and rudimentary descriptions pertaining to an event and location so majestic. And yet by the time I finished your piece, I found myself strangely seeking more of your perverse views on the world that we share in common.

Cutting to the chase, I spent a few hours digging through the archives in effort to dig up past installments of your article. Through some copying and pasting work and the aid of several espressos, I have organized your works chronologically and even passed them around to my coworkers not unlike one does with an obscene (yet humorous) office-email.

Somehow I went from being disgust to being awed by your “talent” in a matter of hours. In fact, I’m not alone in my appreciation as just yesterday I happened across a coworker’s cubicle only to find a printout of your Kia Sportage exploits pinned up along side a photocopy of Dilbert circa 1999. And yes he does ride in case you want to know.

In closing, please accept my apology for doubting your satirical power of observation and do consider releasing a collection of your works in the near future.

Respectfully,
Allen M Tobain

There is little else to rekindle the smoking embers of the CG creative furnace like a little good old fashioned brown-nosing and suffice to say, Allen M Tobian knew just the right buttons to press. Sadly, his uncanny ability to express his deepest appreciation for my “talent” has left me a bit chipper and not quite as grumpy as I’m accustomed to being when sitting down to put together Das Rant. That said, as much as I would like to get rich off book royalties like JK Rowling, Stephen King, and my personal favorite author, Danielle Steel, I must remind you that 10 pages of my bitching a book does not it make. Allen, you of all people show be aware of this fact since you claim to have taken the trouble of chronologically organizing my few columns into an inter-office chain letter. Perhaps eventually through hard work, extreme discipline, and an endless supply of miserableness, I will have built up a collection of articles worthy of coffee tables all across the globe. In the mean time (and considering that I do this commentary for less than I would make twisting up balloon animals on the street corner), consider yourself lucky that you have my words to cherish at all. I would likely have quit this gig long ago if the boys at MBT didn’t bribe me with free parts and hats that are too big for their little pea-heads.

That reminds me, if anyone out there finds themselves willing to put up the loot required to motivate me to start writing a book, get in touch. This could speed up the process of my complaining considerably.

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