Tales from the Fishbowl

By Matt Bell

Editor's note: Welcome to the debut feature from our latest columnist, Matt Bell. You may recognize his name from our interview with Flyte bicycles this month. We got to talking with Matt about business but quickly realized that he suffers from the same disorder we do. Naturally we had no choice but to hire him immediately.

Tales from the Fishbowl

“Is the Mountain Dew going to my head or have the trails been taken over by my parents?”

Early this month I took two prototype bikes to the trails to break in their tires and to make them look fabulous with Mother Nature’s makeup: dirt and debris. The All-Mountain bike and 29er made the trip despite overt maneuvers to avoid hitting a semi-trucks chunk of tire that proceeded to blow up the plastic grill on my Blazer. But what did I care, I was about to go trail riding and I expected more energy-gel fueled damage to be done before the day was done.

I was meeting a friend of mine at the trailhead, who just so happens to be my dentist. We will call him Dr. NoPain, for no particular reason at all other than the fact that people generally associate the dentist with pain. He is more like a cool uncle that you wish saw more often, then the guy that used all of my Colnago savings to undo what a childhood of bike riding and ramp building will do to your Chiclets. And just in time for my wedding to boot. That’s another story altogether. I knew that I was going to be riding with some dudes older than myself, makes no difference to me. Let’s ride!

Sidebar: Why does the 45-50 year old male crowd insist on polarizing themselves by pimping American titanium XTR clad rigs or at the other end, pushing a 37 pound cheesed out Ebay special around the trails? (Read “…cost only 8 bucks a pound.”) I assume it boils down to rationing toilet paper tight wad and pre-empty nester with some cash to burn. Thankfully, Dr. NoPain rides a tasteful and surprisingly normal bike that breaks up the curve, props to him. Nonetheless, they love to ride and I do to, so we got going after a quick meet and greet.

A quick drop down a meadow put us in the heart of this particular trail system and this is where I began reaching for my heart medication. Damn it! What is going on? Where is my Mountain Dew? Or has it gone to my head? The trails were busy. And that is a really cool thing here in the middle of nowhere Kentucky. I remember the days of having to be the spider web harvester each weekend when I showed up at the trails, but this time things were different.

This place was teeming with bikes! Off road bikes and bike riders are chatting, starting up loops. Trail runners were chilling out after kicking up some rocks. Wow! Is the cult of bike alive and well? Sure looked that way! A few moments taking in the sights and the delight of sitting on the 29ers top tube became a acute sting in the chamois. The truth began to become very clear. My subconscious slapped me in the face with a situational analysis report; A “What’s going on here?” from Burt in Children of the Corn wouldn’t have been more appropriate. The headline in my head read, ‘Your parents have taken over the trails.’ As if I had just glided into a camera shoot for a male dysfunctional drug of your choice, I was surrounded by middle aged men and soccer moms on mountain bikes!

Within the drive to the trail I was wondering how many young speedsters there would be out there to show me that I am no spring chicken anymore. Or how many kids under age 12 are hucking over the table tops bigger than I ever could? Silly selfish self! I had no idea that my parents euchre buddies had converted to outdoor recreation. I was surrounded.

Note: Have you seen the print ad for the ti bike company with their crazy carbon fiber fusion thing? The ad struck me as stupid at first but now I think it is a riot, my experience at the trailhead changed me. The ad is an image a middle aged couple with a lake in the background, his hair slightly graying, her botox treatment wearing off. At the bottom, kind of small is a bike image. And in bold letters, “I didn’t know what we were missing until I tried (Roman emperor brand Ti bike).” AAAHHHHH! It makes me laugh so much. That dude’s devilish grin is the best! And the lady looks, well, tired. Go dude!

Anyway, this was a wake up call! If you are still reading this, then thanks! Parents have taken over the trails at an alarming rate. When the thirty-something’s are outnumbered 20 to 1 by their own parents it is time to revolt. Have we lost a few generations to the XBOX? Did my younger siblings’ classmates become addicted to ‘reality’ TV? In my case have I think that I discovered a secret portal to the cycling industry’s ultimate demographic, perfect for observation. Or simply, do I look forward to aging gracefully and enjoying the trail with the rest of my parents’ friends…