The Joys of Testosterone
by Patty Mooney

My tumble off a mountain bike into a patch of poison oak a few years ago resulted in a major rash that just kept growing like my own personal “blob.” I won’t say where, but let’s just say that my ability to sit down was impaired. My doctor prescribed testosterone. He stressed that I had to be very careful with the dosage, taking eight every day until the rash subsided, then subtracting one pill each successive day until I’d weaned myself off them. The idea of taking testosterone disturbed me, especially since the pharmaceutical spec sheet mentioned side effects such as weight gain and sleeplessness.

I wasn’t exactly faithful to the doctor’s orders, and weaned myself off by two and three pills each day, because I was afraid of becoming, well, manly. The specter of black facial hairs kept arising in my imagination. Then the poison oak started to return. I braced myself for a second dosage of testosterone. This time I would strictly adhere to the doctor’s orders, mustache or not!

After the rash receded again, I felt eager to get back on my mountain bike and joined my friends (all guys) for a ride up on the mountain trail where my husband and I had gotten married (with our mountain bikes) back in 1987.

In the twelve years I had been mountain biking all over the world, that post-poison-oak ride turned out to be the best I’d ever been on. I thundered uphill like a friendly wind was pushing me along. And then I jammed downhill with an aggression that carried me on the heels of the fastest guys. So this was what it felt like to be a man? I loved it.

I began to dread the prospect of finishing up my prescription. As the spec sheet had warned, I’d gained a couple of pounds. But weight gain be damned. It didn’t concern me as much as it would if I were still in my womanly mind-set. I enjoyed throwing that weight down the technical runs of my favorite trail and keeping up with the guys.

Not to mention, during those two weeks, sex with my husband was pretty incredible and I was uncharacteristically insatiable.

My first ride after finishing the prescription was anti-climactic. I was back to riding like a woman again, getting winded on the ascents, and holding myself back on the descents. Now I could understand why athletes got themselves hooked on steroids.

So I began searching for “natural testosterone,” perhaps in an herbal form. Was there such a thing as “Vitamin T?” I used to think that chocolate was it, before those little bitter white tablets proved me wrong. I knew that throwing myself into another patch of poison oak was not the answer. And although I wanted to regain that unabashed aggression on my bike, (not to mention in bed), I was not ready for a sex-change operation. After all, I didn’t want to give up the male attention I received as the only female on most rides, and I had long ago developed a keen appreciation for taut manly buns in black Lycra.

My search for a natural “Vitamin T” turned up nothing. But that’s okay. When I think about it, I realize I must already have more than my share of testosterone. I mean you won’t generally find me at a mall, a baby shower, or over a stove. You can, however, find me on my mountain bike or in the arms of my husband. And that’s exactly where I want to be.

Patty Mooney has been riding a bicycle since she was seven years old. In 1986, she and her husband, Mark Schulze, discovered the sport of mountain biking while traveling through Canada where a mountain was rated by the amount of headers one was liable to experience while riding down it. Both Mooney and Schulze were hooked and bought a couple of Alpina Sport mountain bikes to ride the local San Diego trails. They married in the mountains on their mountain bikes, then began racing. And then it occurred to the video production duo to begin producing how-to mountain bike videos which were the first of the genre. To learn more about their classic mtb titles, go to New Unique Videos.